I stared at my body's reflection in the mirror in horror. "My arms are too fat," "I need to be pale," and "my legs are humongous!" These were the first thoughts to reach my mind. "Aha! I'll just lose weight!" I thought and did exactly. That was my mindset since I was in the third grade. 

      It started when I was influenced by my mother when she said, "UGH, I'm so fat." Then I looked at myself and realized I was fatter than her and according to almost every show I have watched the parental figures are always fatter than their children. So since that day, I have been insecure about my self-body image. 
      I started to eat less or nothing at all, I wouldn't get up, I would just cry all day to burn calories, etc. One pound lost soon turned to  127 pounds lost in a matter of a week. I became obsessed with the idea of getting skinny, and I was so happy when I did fit into the "skinny pale Asian with beautiful long hair girl." That's pretty much all my happiness went off of. Not because I had friends, not because I won a recent student council election, but because I was finally beautiful in the eyes I thought the world saw. I no longer cared for anything else, because now I was beautiful. No one mattered. I start to treat the people around me like garbage because I was invincible with my beauty, people would finally treat me better because I was pretty. I looked forward to my first day of seventh grade. 
     Well, I wasn't wrong, a lot of people at my school were treating me nicely. The boys that would always poke fun at me, were helping me with everything out of nowhere. Everyone wanted to be my friend. I had some haters of course, but pretty people always get haters. I put my foot forward all the time and never back then from my new confidence from my new beauty. I was unstoppable, I had the perfect grades, the perfect extracurricular, and the perfect reputation. 

    After my seventh grade year, I quickly regain all my weight again. Each piece of my confidence was lost with every pound I gained. I started to be less involved than I used in my academic life and personal life and put becoming skinny again as the highest priority. By slowly losing myself I lost, I lost all the things I truly cared about, including my happiness. 
    I scrolled on TikTok to find a body positivity movement where bodies that were similar or very different from mine were being called beautiful regardless of their fat. Through TikTok, I have learned the beauty standard was just some stupid thing enforced on women for the benefit or pleasure of a male's "ideal" preference. So with that in mind. I got back on my feet and got my confidence back as I walk proudly to do the best that I can do every day. 

    I learned that your body shape shouldn't dictate your self-confidence, but it should be your mind. True self-confidence comes within and not without.